The Krud Diaries: Day 9

G’day Diary,

                     Kruddy’s asleep and isn’t available at the minute, so I’m filling in for him. Well, when I say ‘asleep’ that isn’t strictly true. He’s unconscious, but it amounts to the same thing, I suppose.

He was a bit upset about a few things so we had to calm him down, which is a bit of a shame really, because he was having such a good day.

The ‘$10 billion black hole’ presser was terrific. Very prime ministerial, very serious and the “fraud on the Australian people” line was brilliant, if I do say so myself.

Of course he was a bit cranky at having to share the stage with Wong and Bowen, which was fair enough when you think about it. I mean, he’s the one dragging them out of the shit so he should get all the good lines and they should get all the crap jobs.

Then he did the boat thing in Melbourne, making up that bullshit promise to bring forward buying the swabbies some new boats to play with. The press luvvies ran with that big time, gullible morons.

He was really pleased that they swallowed that one. We were in the car afterwards and he said we’d need bigger boats for all the refos he was letting in.

Fuck, we laughed at that one. He’s brilliant at the one liners is Kruddy.

Everything was going fine until Treasury and Finance decided to throw in their 50 cents worth.

I couldn’t work that one out, to be honest. I mean, we’ve had these public service dweebs in our back pockets for years – whatever figures we dream up they always come to the party.

I dunno, they must have got on the turps or something. We’ll fix ‘em after we get back in.

Fuck, Kruddy was pissed off, though! You can hardly blame him, I mean, if I was him I be pissed too if everybody else kept letting me down.

You should have heard what he said to Bowen. Fuck me, he won’t sit down for a week, but he got off pretty lightly in the end. He’s only been in the job for a few weeks and it’s probably a bit much to expect him to have his department head whipped into shape.

I’ll tell you one thing for nothing though, diary. I wouldn’t want to have been Wong’s cat after Kruddy got through with her. Still, she deserves all she gets.

He gives her Climate Change and we all know what a clusterfuck she made of that. She gets Finance and not only does she blow $106 billion on crap, but she can’t even control her own department after years in the job!

We’ll probably shift her after we get back in. We only ever kept her around to keep the hairy-armpit brigade weak at the knees, but now that Kruddy has taken on the Gay Marriage Champion mantle we can probably cut her loose.

Anyway, after we managed to get him to take his pills, we sat down and workshopped a response. All we have to do – and this is a bloody good idea, if I do say so myself – is round up all the troops tomorrow morning, get ‘em out there and get ‘em say that its all The Abbott’s fault!

If any of the press bunnies who don’t piss in my pocket try and raise the Treasury and Finance thing, everybody will just say that The Abbott forced us to make shit up and lie through our teeth because he refused to release his costings.

It makes him look mean and makes us look like innocent victims. I tell you what, they don’t call me The Hedgehog for nothing.

I’ve got the boys printing up the script now.

Anyway, everything settled down: the boys were doing the rounds of the Fairfax and ABC dicks to make sure they get their lines right for tomorrow and Kruddy was in the dunny taking selfies, when the phone rings.

Turns out that it looks like Obama is going to squib on blasting the shit of Syria, so – Kruddy doesn’t get to save the world after all. He’s not fussed about the world, of course, but his bullshit excuse for jetting off to the G-20 to have his photo taken with Vlad just went out the window.

Well, that was all she wrote. I haven’t seen him like this since, oh, Wednesday, after O’Farrell gave him shit.

He went the full crying, foot-stamping, hair-tearing – I wish he wouldn’t do that, it’s costing me a packet in gel every day – door-kicking, phone-smashing Monty. He had Teddy on the floor and was punching the stuffing out of him, when one of the boys finally managed to cosh him.

With a bit of luck we’ll be able to get everything fixed before morning. The glaziers should be here any minute, the hotel is organising a replacement TV and I’ve got one of the boys re-stuffing and stitching up Teddy – if he isn’t here when Kruddy wakes up there’ll be hell to pay.

Ah, never mind. Everything is still on track for a win next week and he’ll be right in the morning. I’ll give him some more lines about how The Abbott doesn’t have the temperament for the top job.

That’ll cheer him up – he’ll need it when he finds out he’s going to Perth.

The Hedgehog.