Cricket on the Village Idiots ... Sorry: Cricket on the Village Greens.

The time has now come for me to write about cricket, a subject close to my Anglo-Antipodean heart.

I couldn't write about cricket before because England kept winning the Ashes and to have written about it would have seemed too much like gloating.

Now that England have been smashed in an Ashes contest, I can write about it to my heart's content - because doing so makes me look like an arsehole Aussie, trying to stick the boot in while 'we' are on top. 

Being born in Australia of English parents and having spent my formative years in Old Blighty and my adult years in Australia I am in the happy position of being able switch my sporting allegiance at will, as it were.

Olympics? Aussie, Aussie, Aussie, Oi, Oi, Oi! Tennis? Go team! (Lleyton Hewitt excepted, of course.) Rugby Union? Waltz that Matilda boys – although I can’t say I was too displeased when Johnny Wilkinson tore out Australian hearts in THAT World Cup Final.

I’m proud to support our Little Aussie Battlers wherever and whenever they don the green and gold. Did I not help not-very-speedy speed skater Stephen Bradbury win the greatest accidental gold medal in history by focussing all of my energy on his opponents and chanting ‘Fall over. Fall over. Fall over. YES!’?

I’m a true blue dinky di Aussie sports fan – with three exceptions.

The first is football. I support the Australian team except if Lucas Neill is playing, because Lucas Neill is dick.

Second: Rugby League. I hate rugby league. A lot. I wouldn’t have thought it possible that there could be anything in the world with fewer redeeming features than Tanya Plibersek, The Greens and offal as a foodstuff, but rugby league is it.

It is a little known fact rugby league was invented by a philanthropic good Samaritan who ran a hostel for mentally deficient, self-obsessed binge drinkers.

Growing tired of forking out money for constant repairs in the aftermath of their games of ‘Head-butt The Wall’, ‘Bend The Bed Frame’ and ‘Bang The Pissed Chick’, he decided to invent a game which allowed them to channel their mindless aggression into more healthy – and cost effective - pursuits.

The idea took off and they had a whale of a time. Unfortunately, he was criticised in some quarters for the violent aspect of his new recreational activity, so he introduced a ball, restricted them to a confined area and added goal-posts and a system of scoring, innovations which added just enough veneer for it to be classified as ‘sport’.

The third exception is cricket. There has never been, nor will there ever be, a time when I’ll support the Australian cricket team. Ever.
For as long as I can remember they have been bad losers and worse winners. Being a boorish sook when you lose is one thing, being a boorish braggart when you win is something else again. They sledge relentlessly, but get the sooky lar lars if the other mob sledge them back. They bully umpires mercilessly, but when they get busted trying to cheat they blithely state that 'it's up to the umpire to decide'.

Whoever the Australian 11 are up against, I’ll cheer for the other side. If Australia were up against a combined Al Qaeda/Taliban 11 I’d wear my ‘Stone-Age Religions Rock’ tee-shirt with pride.

Hell, if they were pitted against a Greens Invitational 11 I’d back the Greens – which would be pretty big of me if you stop and think for a minute about the probable make-up of the Greens’ side.

Let’s face it: automatic exclusion of Christians, conservatives, male heterosexuals, female heterosexuals, Caucasians, small businessman, big businessmen, medium-sized businessmen, nuclear families, the private school-educated, carnivores, Jews, people who buy coffee made by Jews, fishermen, farmers, coal-miners, tree-loppers, the employed (unless in the public service), Japanese, Russians, sealers, whalers, scientists not in the pay of Big Green, Trotskyites, Mensheviks, factionalists, Murdochian tools of Satan, non-consumers of soy-based products, deniers, decriers, debasers and sharks doesn’t leave the biggest talent pool.

None the less, I’d still cheer on GBLT/Vegan/Refo/Stone-Age Religion squad. And if they lose, well, as Sarah-Hands-On Dung and Ricky Ponting would say: “We were robbed”.

I had intended to deliver my verdict on winning Australian ‘Ashes Down-Under’ 2013/14 squad, but I’m now much more interested in the Greens’ squad for the next Ashes battle in 2015, so I’ll get my verdict on the Aussies over and done with quickly.

C. Rodgers: Good bloke; tries hard; deserves success.

D. Warner: Heir to Hayden's boofhead crown; should be digging ditches.

S. Watson: A K-Mart Jac Kallis. Talks big for a glass-jawed pea-heart.

M. Clarke: Has no idea why it works, but takes credit anyway.

S. Smith: Eye like a dead fish with brain to match. Philander fodder.

G. Bailey: Australia’s Mike Brearley. Should be captain.

B. Haddin: Terrific player. Great comeback. Feisty bugger.

M. Johnson: Bounces bunnies and is suddenly Wasim Akram? Pfft.

P. Siddle: MJ got the wickets, Sid got the work.

R. Harris: Bionic man. Best of the lot. Twitter dick.

N. Lyon: Gutsy. Improving. Best attribute? He isn't Xavier Doherty.

Right. That is the bad losers and worse winners out of the way. Now we can concentrate on the Greens’ squad for 2015. It has been a tough gig, but I believe I’ve picked a team that can bring home the bacon-flavoured tofu:

R. Pachaudri: Employs lots of wrist action. LOTS of wrist action. 

A.S.L.M Seeker: Handy, but all at sea on dry tracks. Travels well.

G.A.Y Marriage: Not convinced as yet. Has issues with swing.

G.L.B.T Rights: Adaptable. Master of the switch hit.

U.N.H.C.R Convention: The ‘glue’ that holds the team together. 

R.J Brown: Spiritual leader. Aggressive - likes to stick it up 'em.

D. Hicks: Spins a good tale. Poster-boy for lefties everywhere.

C. A Milne: Workhorse, judging by the face

A. P Bandt: Well groomed. Nice ties.

A.A Gore: Best spinner around. Bowls exclusively wrong 'uns. 
C. Handson-Dung: Bustling action, but may be all cow and no poke. 

Well, that’s it. I’m sure that team will give anybody a run for taxpayer’s money in 2015. If they don’t, well, I’ve got the passports to prove I’m English to the core.