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Monday 8 December 2014

The Shorten Files: Tape 2

In the next instalment of the The Shorten Files, the Spellman Report has obtained an exclusive copy of the transcript of a meeting of the Australian Labor Party leadership team, held in an unnamed Chinese restaurant on December 8.

Bill Shorten: Ok, settle down, I fink fats everybody. If we could ….

Chris Bowen (looks puzzled): Sorry, what?

Bill Shorten: Very funny Chris. We can do wiffout ve comedians, fanks. We’ve got a lot to get froo and don’t have time for jokes. Now …

Tony Burke (thrusting one hand repeatedly in the air): Ooh, ooh. Sir, sir, pick me pick me. Point of order sir, point of order …

Bill Shorten: Oh, for fuck’s sake, Tony. You’re not in ve House now. You only have to interject constantly during Question Time. You don’t have to do it now. Ok?

Tony Burke: Yeah, but. Yeah, but sir …

Bill Shorten: Just shut ve fuck up. Play wiff your Lego or somefink. Now, item one: Yesterday’s polls, which show fat voters fink fat I’m ve best fing since sliced bre …

Penny Wong: Ornt you fahgetting sahmthing Bill?

Bill Shorten: What? Oh, right. Sorry Penny. Alvough voters fink I’m wonderful, I couldn’t have achieved vose results wiffout ve work of our female comrades, and …

Tanya Plibersek: No, Bill, you dwarfy little moron. She means the ‘Welcome to Country’, you snidey, backstabbing little shit.

Bill Shorten: Now you just listen Tanya. You can’t speak to me like vat. I’m ve leader …

Tanya Plibersek: Misogynist! Everybody! Everybody hear va … that. He’s trying to repress me because I’m a woman. See! See what I have to endure …

Anthony Albanese: Fair go Tanya. You’re just pissed off because he hasn’t tried to marry you yet. Still, I suppose if you ever left politics Pigs-Trotter could always come up with some way of supplementing your income. Anyway, what country would you like Bill to welcome you to? How ‘bout Africa? That’s a country, isn’t it?

Tanya Plibersek: Oh, the little man with the green teeth is upset because he lost. Ooh, ooh. Poor widdle man with the green teeth lost a widdle vote …

Bill Shorten: Can it, bofe of you! Albo, I won vat vote fair and square. If you can’t organise ve factions properly, vat is just too bad for you. As ve polls show, ve people love me. Ve people have spoken. You might want to fink on vat too, Tanya …

Tony Burke: Ooh, ooh. Sir, sir. Point of order. Relevance sir, relevance …

Bill Shorten: Will somebody please shut him up?

Tanya Plibersek: Not until we have a Welcome to Country, you malignant dwarf.

Stephen Conroy: SHE’S RIGHT! I ALSO DEMAND 25% PER YEAR WITH 300 SICK DAYS, 50 BEREAVEMENT DAYS AND 25 CLIMATE CHANGE DEPRESSION DAYS AND …

Bill Shorten: Conman, snap out of it. Somebody get him some milk, for fuck’s sake.
Ok. I’ll do Welcome to Country. Maybe ven we can get on wiff vese fantastic poll results.
“Before we begin ve proceedings, I acknowledge ve traditional owners of ve seats in which we now sit – ve factional tribes of ve Union and Actu peoples. Ve give fanks for ver custodianship of vese seats and acknowledge ver ownership of ve factional seats upon which we now sit”.
Now, about vese poll results …

Tony Burke: Ooh, ooh, sir, sir. Kate Ellis stole my Little Golden Book …

Tanya Plibersek: Misogynist! Misogynist!

Chris Bowen: If I could just interrupt for a minute …

Tanya Plibersek: Oh, that’s right! You and Dicky Knee here are in it together. Anything to perpetuate the patriarchal domination of …

Tony Burke: Ooh, ooh. Miss, miss. Point of order. What’s a missonganist?

Anthony Albanese (gesturing toward Burke and Bowen): What’s that Tanya? You can let someone who lets a dribbler like Ellis steal his book, and a budgie, dominate you?

Bill Shorten: (Bangs his gavel): Fat is enough! All of you, just shut ve fuck up or I get Bill Ludwig in here to bang some heads. (Acknowledges silence). Good. Now, Budg … Chris, you were saying?

Chris Bowen: Fan … Thanks Bill. I was just going to say that these poll numbers are only going to stand up while we can keep on pretending that we have enough money to give everybody everything forever. There is a lot of stuff here I don't understand, like debt and deficit and stuff  …

Penny Wong: Oar coarn’t believe you oar saying that ... 

Tanya Plibersek: Oh, that’s right. Perpetuate the patriarchal domination inherent in a society run by white, middle-aged Anglo-Saxon males like the wife-hopping dwarf … one day, I WILL be queen of Africa … as long as Ebola and stuff is taken care of.

Stephen Conroy: NUCLEAR MILK IS DEATH, COMRADES. DEATH! ONLY THE NBN CAN SAVE US!

Kim Carr (Shadow Minister for the AMWU): And cars, comrade! We must have cars!

Bill Shorten: Enough! Nuclear milk and Cars aren't on ve agenda. Now, Ben ... Penny, you have a point to make about what Chris said?

Penny Wong: Hoy jest wahnted to pornt out a couple of thuengs thet moight hahlp Chris. 'Debt' is whaht we owe the fahctional leaders for ah seats. 'Deficit' is whaht you hov whehn you borrow less than ut will cahst to pay off orl ohv the interest groups you have prormised to bribe fohr theyer votes. Hope thatht hulps.

Bill Shorten: Yeah, great Penny. Fuck's sake. Ever since you came back from Copenhagen, you've had vat weird toff accent. Can anybody interpret vat for me?

Tanya Plibersek: Don't you repress him, I mean, um, her ...

Anthony Albanese: You can talk, Bill! You and your vis, vat and ve uvver fing ...

Tony Burke: Ooh, ooh, sir, sir! Point of order, sir. Point of order!

Bill Shorten: Fuck viss for joke. If nobody wants to talk about vese poll results, I'm just going to order: I’ll have ve Dim Sum, a Number 12, a 27 and a firty free. Who is paying?

Chris Bowen: I'll get that Bill.

Tanya Plibersek: Oh, that's right. Suck up to the backstabber ...

Chris Bowen: No, no. Honest, I'm not paying; I'll put it on the credit card (holds up card). See, 'John Q. Citizen' ...