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Tuesday, 31 May 2011

The New World? Apply Now!

A few weeks ago I wrote a tongue-in-cheek piece about my plan to combat global warming/climate change/carbon pollution/budget deficits.
I did this because it is nice to fight back once in a while against the forces of Green evil wielding the spears of burning carbon to abuse and guilt everybody into line.
Since I wrote that piece though, I’ve undergone a change of heart and decided to lay down my arrow of desire, despite some inescapable facts in my favour.
One such fact is that climate science is dodgier than an Alice Springs 'fresh' seafood shop.
My hazy memory of the precepts of science is that scientists propose a hypothesis then devise experiments which provide empirical evidence that proves or disproves it.
Bearing this in mind it is self-evident that the “settled” climate science has more in common with Isaac Asimov than Isaac Newton.
Another fact is that while a carbon tax may improve the climate at ALP-Green Central, it will have absolutely no effect whatsoever on the planet’s climate.
When you get ‘independent’ bodies a la the Climate Commission traducing the precepts of the very profession they espouse for ideological purposes you know you are behind the eight-ball.
Combine the corrupted ‘scientists’ with journalists who have made a conscious decision to wear their brain on their sleeve alongside their beating little green hearts and its time to rack the cue.
Face it, the Prime Minister is a liar, the Climate Commission is a confederacy of ideologically-driven dunces and we are going to get a carbon tax.
With all of that said, there is clearly only one thing left to do.
Give up.
Historians will decide whether Julia Gillard knowingly allowed the ALP to play Trojan – or Trotskyite – Horse for the Greens or was too blinded by power lust to see the truth staring her in the face.
What is certain is that she will be first up against the wall – Faustian bargains always seem to have a bummer clause in there somewhere - when the revolution comes, if only because tools, lackeys and lickspittles are always the first to cop it in the neck when they outlive their usefulness.  
Anyway, her future is her business. Our future, friends, is going to be very different to the present so we may as well learn to live in it.
To assist with this I have, at great risk, obtained the following form, which has been prepared for release as soon as the revolution is completed.

Dear Candidate Citizen,
                                       Thank you for your application to join The Party.
As you are aware, many enemies of the people are now attempting to hide their past as carbon criminals. Lackeys of the carboniferous running dogs also remain among us, spreading their seditious impurity.
We are sure that you, citizen, understand the need for constant vigilance to ensure The Party remains free of the evil stench of capitalist carrion masquerading as members of the NHR (New Human Race).
You will understand then, the need for vigilance in assessing your application. Complete the attached questionnaire Candidate.

  1. You found the public torture and executions of the executive, membership and confessed supporters of the Liberal-National Coalition Parties:
A: Justified
B: Too good for them
C: Great television
D: All of the above

     (The answer here is D.)

     2.   Carbon is:
A: A Melbourne Cup winner
B: The building block of life on earth
C:  Vital for the growth of trees and crops
D:  A noxious, Gaia-destroying gas created in secret Big Oil laboratories

     (D again, here)

      3.   You watched An Inconvenient Truth:
A: Every day
B: Once
C: Never
D: Never heard of it

(Trick question, this one. A is what you are looking for.)

  1. Rupert Murdoch is:
A: A tool of Satan
B: A Satanic tool
C: Satan
D: Central protagonist of The Satanic Verses

(C is correct, though you will get half a point for A or B.)

  1. Al Gore is:
A: A failed presidential candidate sook with an insatiable need for revenge
B: A prophet
C: A maker of science fiction movies
D: A Spanish term describing what happens to slow matadors

(You are safe as houses with B.)

  1. Rajendra Pachauri is:
A: A former board member of the Oil and Natural Gas Commission   
B: A former board member of the National Thermal Power Corp.
C: A former board member of the Indian Oil Corp.
D: The paragon of principle and saviour of Gaia

(Pretty safe with D for this one)

  1. The fore-runner of The Party, the Greens were:
A: Artistic
B: Altruistic
C: Atavistic
D: Autistic

(Go with B)

  1. Solar panels works at night. True or False?

  1. Wind power works all the time, even in a vacuum. True or False?

  1.  The daily power outages you are now experiencing are caused by:
A: Cloudy days
B: Windless days
C: A mindless refusal to use coal or nuclear for base load power
D: Satanic Carboniferous running dog saboteurs

(They are fond of D. Stick with it)

  1.  IPCC stands for:
A: Indian Poultry and Chickens Co-op.
B: Intergovernmental Panel of Clueless Cretins
C: Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change
D: Iranian People’s Christian Collective

(Of course, C is correct)

  1.  To ‘Do a Flannery’ or ‘Go the Garnaut’ means to:
A: Seize the evidence
B: Seize the day
C: Seize the cash
D: Seize up


      13:   Honorary Gaia Mother Julia Gillard was:
A: Vacuous
B: Virtuous
C: Visionary
D: Vision impaired

(Be careful here. Evidence that Gillard is a direct descendent of Elizabeth, the Virgin Queen, as a result of an illicit liaison with Welsh prop Taffy Jones during the 1588 Five Nations tour is still to be ratified by the Milne Re-Information Directorate, so avoid B. C is what you want)

     14:    “There will be no carbon tax under a government I lead” means:
A: There will not be a carbon tax
B: There might be a carbon tax
C: Of course there will be a carbon tax
D: Ok Bob, but only if you still respect me in the morning

(C gets the money)

     15:   Australia took action on climate change because:
A: The science was incontrovertible
B: The science was convertible
C: Climate scientists wanted to drive convertibles
D: The situation was critical
E: Bob Brown was critical

(Circle A and you are home free)

     16:    You are a worthless parasitic tool of Satan if:
A: You are human
B: You are a human being
C: You identify as homo sapiens
D: All of the above

(D gets the chocolates here)

      17:   People who arrive illegally by boat should be given:
A: Detention
B: A return trip
C: To Malaysia
D: The keys to my house

(The love affair with D continues)
(PS: This one’s worth a bonus point, so concentrate friends.)

Thank you for completing this questionnaire. You will be notified of the outcome of your application in due course either by letter containing two framed photographs of Chairman Bob (one for each room of your home) and directions on where to report for your indoctrination induction, or a midnight visit from the Corporeal Existence Reassignment Squad.
NB: Your application lists three ‘children’ currently in your possession. While this is a clear breach of People’s Directive 192837465/748392A745 limiting all married couples to a maximum of zero (0) children, we further note that the Gaia-devouring parasites were born prior to 2010.
Leniency is possible in such cases; however The Party must assume that you are a willing tool of Carboniferous Satanists unless you furnish photographic evidence that the Gaia-devouring parasites concerned have been abandoned, naked and friendless, in a designated Illegal Human Parasite Abandonment Zone.
Please furnish three (3) copies of your Parasite’s sterilization certificates.