This station has gained access to secret recordings from the office of Senator Sneerer TellyTubby-Womble. Over the coming months we will release these these recordings. We aren’t sure if these recordings are genuine because we haven’t actually checked, but even if it isn’t true, it sounds true to us and, well, nobody can prove it isn’t true.
The following is an excerpt from a morning meeting between the Senator and her chief-of-staff, discussing her diary for the day.
STW: No, really, I’m fine. The senate is back in session this afternoon so I’ve been practising my crying in case I have to make a speech about refo’s. I’m not actually upset or anything. So, what’s on the agenda for this morning?
STW: What’s MAIA?
STW: Ok, cool. Do I have to cry there?
STW: Hang on. Why is there no media?
STW: Aw, I hate them!
STW: No, those
mushrooms. I was in Bali last year right. And
I was crying at some Iraqi asylum seekers …
STW: Yeah! That’s it. They tried to give me some mushroom-drug things and they kept saying ‘better than that
Corby gear, baby’.
STW: Ok, but I’m not doing it unless I get to cry. I’ve been practicing all night.
STW: Fine. What’s after that?
STW: Who are they?
STW: Aw, cool! Do I cry there?
STW: Look. We’re already at 10am and I haven’t cried yet.
STW: (claps hands): Yay for me. So, in my speech we invoke Jaws?
C0S: Yeah. That’s our thinking on this. In Jaws the shark lost. Mercilessly persecuted by heartless far right-wing marine biologists. We figure you can compare Barnett to Quint – you can also use the nuclear angle. You know, delivering the ‘bomb’ then being eaten by an asylum-seeking shark in nature’s retribution only for the shark to be targeted by the military-industrial complex to maintain the capitalist status quo.
STW: But the guy who killed Jaws was a marine biologist?
STW: Clive Palmer? That coal baron scum don’t ever mention his name in …
CoS: Um, actually, you only got back in because of the deal we cut for Palmer’s preferences, so maybe ease up on the whole ‘coal baron scum’ thing.
STW: Whatever. Like, I’m back in now, so, like, me and him are never, ever, ever, getting back together. Like, ever. What’s next?
STW: I told you to never mention that person’s name here ever again! He is, like, a complete and total poo-head! I should be deputy. Me, me, me.
STW: What’s the point of that?! There haven’t BEEN any asylum seekers for nearly two months.
STW: Is any of that true?
STW: Ooh, really? Tell me, tell me, tell me. Who is it?
STW: What do you mean, I don’t need to know? I’m a voluptuous woman. I’m a senator! Its Mark Kenny isn't it? No, no. Don't tell me: Lenore Taylor? No? Oh, don't be such a poo-head, You have to tell me! I’m in charge!