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Thursday, 17 July 2014

Christine Milne's Hopes For Carbon Obnoxides Army Dashed

In concert with Australian Green's leader (henceforth known as Der Leader) Christine 'Misery-Guts' Milne's 'Climate Criminals' speech to the Australian Senate, the Spellman Files can now release its exclusive copy of the application form for membership to The Greens.
Sources familiar with the situation have told the Spellman Files that the release date for the new application form has been 'postponed for the foreseeable future, or until the revolution comes - whichever comes first'.

Dear Candidate Citizen,
                                       Thank you for your application to join The Party.
As you are aware, many enemies of the people are now attempting to hide their past as carbon criminals. Lackeys of the carboniferous running dogs also remain among us, spreading their seditious impurity.
We are sure that you, citizen, understand the need for constant vigilance to ensure The Party remains free of the evil stench of capitalist carrion masquerading as members of the NHR (New Human Race).
You will understand then, the need for vigilance in assessing your application. Complete the attached questionnaire Candidate.

  1. You found the public torture and executions of the executive, membership and confessed supporters of the Liberal-National Coalition Parties:
A: Justified
B: Too good for them
C: Great television
D: All of the above

     (The answer here is D.)

     2.   Carbon is:
A: A Melbourne Cup winner
B: The building block of life on earth
C:  Vital for the growth of trees and crops
D:  A noxious, Gaia-destroying gas created in secret Big Oil laboratories

     (D again, here)

      3.   You watched An Inconvenient Truth:
A: Every day
B: Once
C: Never
D: Never heard of it

(Trick question, this one. A is what you are looking for.)

  1. Rupert Murdoch is:
A: A tool of Satan
B: A Satanic tool
C: Satan
D: Central protagonist of The Satanic Verses

(C is correct, though you will get half a point for A or B.)

  1. Al Gore is:
A: A failed presidential candidate sook with an insatiable need for revenge
B: A prophet
C: A maker of science fiction movies
D: A Spanish term describing what happens to slow matadors

(You are safe as houses with B.)

  1. Rajendra Pachauri is:
A: A former board member of the Oil and Natural Gas Commission   
B: A former board member of the National Thermal Power Corp.
C: A former board member of the Indian Oil Corp.
D: The paragon of principle and saviour of Gaia

(Pretty safe with D for this one)

  1. The fore-runner of The Party, the Greens were:
A: Artistic
B: Altruistic
C: Atavistic
D: Autistic

(Go with B)

  1. Solar panels works at night. True or False?

  1. Wind power works all the time, even in a vacuum. True or False?

  1.  The daily power outages you are now experiencing are caused by:
A: Cloudy days
B: Windless days
C: A mindless refusal to use coal or nuclear for base load power
D: Satanic Carboniferous running dog saboteurs

(They are fond of D. Stick with it)

  1.  IPCC stands for:
A: Indian Poultry and Chickens Co-op.
B: Intergovernmental Panel of Clueless Cretins
C: Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change
D: Iranian People’s Christian Collective

(Of course, C is correct)

  1.  To ‘Do a Flannery’ or ‘Go the Garnaut’ means to:
A: Seize the evidence
B: Seize the day
C: Seize the cash
D: Seize up


      13:   Honorary Gaia Mother Julia Gillard was:
A: Vacuous
B: Virtuous
C: Visionary
D: Vision impaired

(Be careful here. Evidence that Gillard is a direct descendent of Elizabeth, the Virgin Queen, as a result of an illicit liaison with Welsh prop Taffy Jones during the 1588 Five Nations tour is still to be ratified by the Milne Re-Information Directorate, so avoid B. C is what you want)

     14:    “There will be no carbon tax under a government I lead” means:
A: There will not be a carbon tax
B: There might be a carbon tax
C: Of course there will be a carbon tax
D: Ok Bob, but only if you still respect me in the morning

(C gets the money)

     15:   Australia took action on climate change because:
A: The science was incontrovertible
B: The science was convertible
C: Climate scientists wanted to drive convertibles
D: The situation was critical
E: Bob Brown was critical

(Circle A and you are home free)

     16:    You are a worthless parasitic tool of Satan if:
A: You are human
B: You are a human being
C: You identify as homo sapiens
D: All of the above

(D gets the chocolates here)

      17:   People who arrive illegally by boat should be given:
A: Detention
B: A return trip
C: To Malaysia
D: The keys to my house

(The love affair with D continues)
(PS: This one’s worth a bonus point, so concentrate friends.)

Thank you for completing this questionnaire. You will be notified of the outcome of your application in due course either by letter containing two framed photographs of Chairman Bob (one for each room of your home) and directions on where to report for your indoctrination induction, or a midnight visit from the Corporeal Existence Reassignment Squad.
NB: Your application lists three ‘children’ currently in your possession. While this is a clear breach of People’s Directive 192837465/748392A745 limiting all married couples to a maximum of zero (0) children, we further note that the Gaia-devouring parasites were born prior to 2010.
Leniency is possible in such cases; however The Party must assume that you are a willing tool of Carboniferous Satanists unless you furnish photographic evidence that the Gaia-devouring parasites concerned have been abandoned, naked and friendless, in a designated Illegal Human Parasite Abandonment Zone.

Please furnish three (3) copies of your Parasite’s sterilization certificates.