Following is a statement from the Minister for Hand Wringing and Social Interference.
Many of you would have heard recent radio reports revealing ABS-collected data showing that for every 100 Tasmanian women, there are only 96 men.
A difference of just four may not seem like much on the surface, but broken down, those figures reveal that a Tasmanian woman somewhere tonight is going to bed with .96 of a man.
Beneath the bald, impersonal statistics produced by the ABS lie real-life tragedies.
People are suffering, lives are being irrevocably damaged and only the most heartless among us could not help but be moved by this suffering.
While women are clearly the most obvious victims of this crisis, it goes much deeper than that.
Men are also suffering. Lack of competition has eroded their self-respect to the point where they believe they can get a skinful and stagger into a night club, looking like a dog trained to walk backwards after having its arse shaved with a rusty beer can, and still have an opportunity to secure female company for the rest of the evening.
The grim reality behind these stark statistics is that many Tasmanian women – and indeed gay men, let us not forget our gay brothers – are being condemned to a life of sexual self-sufficiency through no fault of their own.
The Federal Government has decided therefore to act decisively in this year of delivery and implement a series of emergency drought relief measures.
Our programme will address the underlying causes, but we also recognise that immediate assistance is needed.
Accordingly, the Federal Government has decided to implement a range of relief programmes to address the situation and assist Tasmanian women who have been forced by circumstances to become temporarily sexually self-sufficient.
A major component, to be known as Sex Toy Boxes or STBs, will involve the immediate distribution of sex toys to all eligible women.
This programme will be administered by Department of Climate Change because it will involve a mass distribution of batteries and will result, in many cases, in adding to global warming through multiple use and heat-causing friction.
Naturally, the Government is cognizant of the reality that many women will be unfamiliar with new technology and in light of the risk of inadvertent injury the STB’s will be supported by trained technicians who will visit women on site to provide comprehensive installation instructions and advice.
A 24-hour information hotline will also be established to allow new users to get answers to frequently asked questions such as: Which socket do I plug it onto? Will it overheat if I leave it on all night? What do I do if it smokes in bed?
While this programme will address some of the mechanical aspects of the crisis, the Government will also be instituting a number of other initiatives to address underlying causes.
One such initiative is the ‘Pink Butts’ programme. Also administered by the Department of Climate Change, this programme will involve despatching teams of specially trained consultants to ask Tasmanian women if they have ever considered the many benefits of part-time lesbianism or intermittent bi-sexuality.
All participants in this programme will receive an information kit containing the booklets ‘Breasts: Are Two Enough?’ and ‘The Penis: Undersized and Over-rated’ as well as a copy of the instructional video ‘Lesbo Sluts Do Lithgow’.
Obviously while the initiatives mentioned will ameliorate some of the effects of the crisis, the Government believes more needs to be done.
To this end we will be introducing subsidised visits to Gigolo Utilization Clinics (GUC) currently under construction at selected locations as part of the Emergency Relief Root scheme.
As the Government is concerned first and foremost with providing the Australian taxpayer with value for money, the ERR scheme – under which applicants will be eligible to receive one ERR voucher per month - will be means tested.
All applicants will be required to sign a statutory declaration declaring the number of days since their last sexual encounter with an eligible male regardless of whether or not orgasm was obtained.
While sexual encounters which did not result in female orgasm will be treated as eligible sexual encounters for the purposes of the scheme, interviewing officers may take in to account extenuating circumstances in assessing eligibility.
Instances of non-penetrative encounter outcomes, regardless of circumstances, may be one such scenario which could be considered an extenuating circumstance.
To further assist drought-affected women, Centrelink will be authorised to extend emergency Beer Goggle Assistance Chits (BGAC) to eligible applicants.
Under the BGAC measure, eligible applicants will be issued with chits redeemable for alcoholic beverages – to be used for the purpose of intoxicating targeted males - at participating venues.
Eligibility will be determined by measuring applicants against criteria used by the Department for Inability, Undesirability and Climate Change in identifying the Body Mass Index-Challenged and Visually Impairing in the community.
The total cost of the all of the programmes outlined has been estimated at $4 billion over 3 months. To defray some of this cost the Government will impose a Drought Levy of 10% on all married Tasmanian men.
Under this trifling levy, all Tasmanian men will be required to register with the Department and provide an estimate of the number of times per month they engage in sexual congress with their spouses.
However, the levy has been deliberately designed to ensure that those who can afford it the most, pay the most.
If, for example, a married Tasmanian man engages in sex with his spouse 10 times per month, he will then be required to donate just 10%, or one full sexual encounter per month, to a drought affected Tasmanian woman.
Alternatively, a Tasmanian man who only gets it once a month will only be required to donate 10% of a full sexual encounter. In most cases this will amount to little more than a handshake, arse squeeze on the dance floor or premature ejaculation upon receipt of a tonguey.
The Government believes this is the fairest and most equitable method of distributing the burden.
(This statement is embargoed until 7pm Friday, or the end of Happy Hour, whichever comes first.)