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Wednesday, 12 February 2014

Secret Tapes! Inside the Hyphen Revealed!

This station has gained access to secret recordings from the office of Senator Sneerer TellyTubby-Womble. Over the coming months we will release these these recordings. We aren’t sure if these recordings are genuine because we haven’t actually checked, but even if it isn’t true, it sounds true to us and, well, nobody can prove it isn’t true.

The following is an excerpt from a morning meeting between the Senator and her chief-of-staff, discussing her diary for the day.


CoS: Morning Sneerer. Hey, are you ok? You look like you’ve been crying?”

STW: No, really, I’m fine. The senate is back in session this afternoon so I’ve been practising my crying in case I have to make a speech about refo’s. I’m not actually upset or anything. So, what’s on the agenda for this morning?

CoS: Okay. Cool. First off, you have a breakfast meeting with MAIA …

STW: What’s MAIA?

CoS: Mongolians Against Israeli Aggresion …

STW: Ok, cool. Do I have to cry there?

CoS: No. The media won’t be there, so there’ll be no need to cry.

STW: Hang on. Why is there no media?

CoS: They don’t give a shit about Mongolian anti-Semites. Plus, they are all over in Bali trying to get Corby bites.

STW: Aw, I hate them!

CoS: Mongolians?

STW: No, those Corby mushrooms. I was in Bali last year right. And I was crying at some Iraqi asylum seekers …

CoS: No, no. Schapelle Corby. The drug courier – she was released this week.

STW: Yeah! That’s it. They tried to give me some mushroom-drug things and they kept saying ‘better than that Corby gear, baby’.

Cos: No, look, forget that. Just go there and deliver this speech. I’ve got some Get Up guys to pretend they are press gallery so you’ll have some questions afterwards.

STW: Ok, but I’m not doing it unless I get to cry. I’ve been practicing all night.

CoS: (Sigh). You can cry. As much as you want.

STW: Fine. What’s after that?

CoS: Once you finish with MAIA, you’ll go straight to a 10am with SAPT …

STW: Who are they?

CoS: ‘Sharks Are People Too’. They are protesting against the WA Government’s fascist aggression against defenceless sharks.

STW: Aw, cool! Do I cry there?

CoS: We haven’t decided yet, but …

STW: Look. We’re already at 10am and I haven’t cried yet.

CoS: Okay, okay. We figure we can go the angle that the sharks are seeking asylum. Bear with me here – our fall-back position is that they are Arabian gulf sharks who have made the dangerous journey down here to escape persecution. If we go with that, you can cry.

STW: (claps hands): Yay for me. So, in my speech we invoke Jaws?

C0S: Yeah. That’s our thinking on this. In Jaws the shark lost. Mercilessly persecuted by heartless far right-wing marine biologists. We figure you can compare Barnett to Quint – you can also use the nuclear angle. You know, delivering the ‘bomb’ then being eaten by an asylum-seeking shark in nature’s retribution only for the shark to be targeted by the military-industrial complex to maintain the capitalist status quo.

STW: But the guy who killed Jaws was a marine biologist?

CoS: Yeah, but we go with the ‘he was controlled by the CIA’ angle – we picked that up from Clive Palmer …

STW: Clive Palmer? That coal baron scum don’t ever mention his name in …

CoS: Um, actually, you only got back in because of the deal we cut for Palmer’s preferences, so maybe ease up on the whole ‘coal baron scum’ thing.

STW: Whatever. Like, I’m back in now, so, like, me and him are never, ever, ever, getting back together. Like, ever. What’s next?

CoS: Ok, after we finish with the shark thing, you go straight to an 11am strategy meeting with Adam Bandt …

STW: I told you to never mention that person’s name here ever again! He is, like, a complete and total poo-head! I should be deputy. Me, me, me.

CoS: Ok, ok. We figured you might say that, so we’ve got some Fairfax and ABC lickspittles on stand-by for a press conference about asylum seekers.

STW: What’s the point of that?! There haven’t BEEN any asylum seekers for nearly two months.

CoS: Don’t worry. We’ve got you accusing Abbott of using submarines to torpedo asylum seeker boats, then machine gunning the survivors and disposing of the bodies by attaching them to drums of nuclear waste.

STW: Is any of that true?

CoS: We’re the Greens! Since when did truth come into it? Besides, it doesn’t matter if it’s true or not, the Fairfax and ABC numpties will buy it … because, well, some of the ones I invited have the hots for you.

STW: Ooh, really? Tell me, tell me, tell me. Who is it?

CoS: You don’t need to know. Just get out there and prosecute the story.

STW: What do you mean, I don’t need to know? I’m a voluptuous woman. I’m a senator! Its Mark Kenny isn't it? No, no. Don't tell me: Lenore Taylor? No? Oh, don't be such a poo-head, You have to tell me! I’m in charge!

CoS: Yes, of course you are dear. Nurse!   

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