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Sunday, 25 August 2013

The Krud Diaries: Day 14

Dear Diary,
                   The world is in crisis and has called on the one person capable of leading it through the path of pitfalls to the sunlit lands of a new world order.
Let me be completely clear here diary: the world as we know it is at a tipping point, and just as soon as I finish cooking lunch for my ABC friends here in Brizzie  – and let me say, diary, they are the best friends that Ratfucker money can buy – I shall attend to it.  
Firstly, let me say that it has come to my attention that scurrilous accusations are being made that I delayed a security briefing in order to cook for my bought and paid for ABC friends.
Let me just say this: anybody who thinks that I would delay the opportunity to be portrayed, on all commercial channels and Sky, to my adoring people as the righter of the world’s wrongs has, quite frankly, rocks in their heads, folks.
I just want to say diary that it seems a trifle incongruent that one such as myself – just a regular bloke, like you over there, or you, or you – should be apportioned a proportion of blame for the innate inability of the security boffins to take adequate measures at a speed relative to the speeds at which the minds of a commander-in-chief kind of guy, such as myself.
Further to that, it is a matter of some querulous consternation to those such as, say, myself, that Mr Murdoch’s employees Fail. To. Grasp what seems apparent to me to be an essential truth: a chain is only as strong As. Its. Weakest link.
Further to that, which was further to the matter I enunciated on with my earlier remarks earlier, as the brightest person in the room I must be ever cognizant of the need to wait for the dullard’s in National Security to catch up.
This goes to the very core of what an inclusive, consultative Prime Minister sensitive to the needs functionaries actually is.
Apart from all of that, diary, ASIO, ASIC, Defence and Foreign Affairs had to have a whip around so they could send the Second Assistant to the Fourth Deputy Secretary (Typing and Gestetner Division) to Officeworks to buy more carbon paper for the Gestetner machine.
(There were cuts to defence spending by an anonymous previous Government, diary, but those cuts have in now way contributed to the present delay in saving the world. Gestetner supplies fall under the aegis of the Department of Administrative Affairs.)
Now, where was I?
Ah yes. Saving the world.
Much as during the GFC – I really must find out what that stands for one of these days – I am once again not so much at the centre of things, but the sun around which all of the earth-bound planets revolve.
My good friends Ban and Baz have been ringing me all day for advice on what to do about the world-enveloping crisis unfolding in Syria, but the key to dealing with a crisis, diary, is assessing how far behind in the polls you are and how much credibility the blatant manufacturing of a Tampa moment has.
Others, such as The Abbott, may take the fact that the fate of the entire world, if not the solar system, galaxy and – in point of fact – the universe, as an excuse to Cut. Cut, Cut. Campbell Newman, but the people of Australia can be assured that their Prime Minister, in the person of myself, makes decision Based. On. The. Cold. Hard. Facts. Of. The. Matter at hand.
I fear, diary, that with the polls the way they are, I shall have to put the country on a war footing.
However, I believe we have the tools to do the job.
Thanks to my Government’s far-sighted decision to bank-roll the AMWU with Ratfucker money, our manufacturing base is poised to deliver the tools to do the job.
I have directed that the First Armoured Regiment be equipped with the latest Holden Commodore. The Syrian Army’s T-72 battle tank may have the 122mm main gun, but the Commodore has front AND side airbags.
Our reconnaissance forces will – as a matter or urgency - be re-equipped with Ford Fiesta ‘fast reverse’ scout vehicles.
I think all Australians should join me in giving thanks that our country’s unions had the intestinal fortitude to fight moves to kill off our manufacturing industry.
If not for their effort, we would not be able to equip our brave men and women with state of the art fighting vehicles.
We will, diary, zerschlagen unseren syrischen Gegnern mit eiserner Faust!
Of course, diary, we will make every effort to find a peaceful solution – as long as Monday’s Newspoll results are not too dire.

Notes to self: Double check the Chicken a la Kev recipe. It tasted a trifle tart to me; check with the programme producers to make sure they cut the scenes where I flicked my hair; get dessert recipe off Annabelle: get minion to find out exactly where in Europe Syria is.

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