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Sunday, 25 August 2013

The Krud Diaries: Day 15

G’day Diary,
                   Kevin isn’t available right now, so I’m filling in for him.
It’s a continuity thing. When we publish the Krud Kronicles (catchy title that; my idea, of course) we need something on the page.
It won’t be a problem. Bob has been ghost-writing Carr’s blog for years and nobody noticed. Mind you, it helps that they are both called Bob. Plausible deniability, diary. Plausible deniability.
(I got him elected, you know. No, not Bob, the other Bob. That made my reputation. I mean, if I could convince the punters to vote for Bob year after year, I can get them to elect a complete – well, a more complete, moron.)
Anyway, as I was saying, Kevin’s in no condition to write just now.
Actually, I’m not sure that’s strictly true, but we are running on the back-up at the moment, the boys are still trying to jump-start it and I can’t remember if it came with a factory-installed Literacy Function programme or not.
With a bit of luck we won’t have to wheel it out anyway.  
We’ve shipped the primary Kevin to Canberra for repairs and the technician reckons he can have it sorted sometime on Saturday afternoon.
We tried to book him in the morning, but he’s got two washing machines and a remote-control vacuum cleaner booked in, but he reckons they shouldn’t take too long.
I fucken hope so.  I don’t know what idiot thought up this Fair Work shit, but the penalty rates on Sunday are bloody ridiculous, not to mention the call-out fee. As it is, we had to strike a cross-union deal just to get him out on a Saturday.
If the ETU get him up and running again, it gets power of veto over Caucus decisions, the AWU gets to choose the Treasurer in perpetuity and the Maritime boys get to take the covers of the guns and fly the Jolly Roger.
We didn’t have to put up with any of this crap under WorkChoices.
Never mind. It is what it is.
We’ll cover our arses with the media dicks by putting out some bullshit story about Kevin flying to Canberra for briefings on Syria.
We’ve rigged a bypass, so he is only operating on ‘Serious World Leader’ mode, but I’ve sent a few of the boys down with the spare remote, just in case that bloody ‘World Ruler’ programme surfaces again.
It’s my own fault. I rushed in the Krud Mark ll before we’d finished the operational trials.
Everything seemed to work fine initially, but the malfunctions over the last week or so have been a bitch. The whole week has basically been a sticky-tape and baling wire job.
It’s this Chinese shit. They’re good at tee-shirts, but their hi-tech stuff is crap.
I wanted to get one made locally, but our manufacturing sector is only good at cars and those widgets that connect your hose to the sprinkler.
The car guys knocked up a prototype, but Kevin the Love Bug wasn’t really the look I was after.
Anyway, the Chinese said they could supply a fully functional ‘Mandarin Candidate’ at a good price, so I went with that.Big mistake. The hardware is ok – apart from the hair - but the software and after-sales service are just shit.
Take the Krud Mark l. It worked a treat for a while. We just loaded the Ned Flanders and Nino Culota personality software programmes, pressed GO and off it went.
Ok, in hindsight I should have taken the Empathy Circuits option with the original package, but at the time it seemed an unnecessary expense. I mean, we were building an ALP politician. Who the fuck ever heard of an ALP politician with empathy?
But when the Krud was going haywire and I wanted to order the Empathy Circuit upgrade, what did I get? Out of stock.
The remote control was shit too. It was ok with line of sight, but didn’t work through walls, so when the Flanders, Culotta and ‘Fiscal Conservative’ programmes glitched, the Krud defaulted to Indecision and Gratuitous Abuse mode.
I was hoping to patch it up, but the knife in the back made an awful mess of the circuitry, the warranty had expired, and it seemed better to junk it and order the Mark ll.
(Fucking Ludwig. He got some Russian crew to build The Gillard. I’ll say this for the Ruskies, their personality software is shit, but the hardware is built to last. The low-slung rear chassis on the Gillard was the same they used on the old T-34 battle tank. No finesse, but rugged as fuck.)
Anyway, initially the Mark ll worked fine. We installed the bonus ‘Vengeance and Retribution’ programme, put in fresh batteries and off it went.
After we saw off the T-34, we got Krud ll back in the shop to download the ‘New Way’ programme, but everything just went haywire! Something in the diodes or some shit. I dunno, I don’t do the technical stuff, but it has been a nightmare.
The debate on Wednesday night?
Had to use the emergency remote over-ride to get the microphone off the chin.
The 27 bottles of water?
Wasn't water. It was extra virgin olive oil.
The Marcelle Marceau hand and arm movements?
Fuck knows. Under ‘Limb Actuators’, the manual's trouble-shooter section just says: ‘See Your Local Krud Mark ll Service Agent’.
To be fair, the busted knuckle was my fault. Those years on the back-bench were boring as bat-shit, so we installed a pirate Sylvester Stallone programme one of the guys picked up in Bali.
We had a spare remote and me the guys used to take him down the basement and play Super Mario Rocky. It was a hoot.
After the debate debacle I let Trev - he's a bit of a remote control car freak - have a crack at updating the Limb Actuator Control.
Before we knew it, the Stallone programme kicked in and it started staggering around, punching everybody’s surf and turf and yelling for Adrienne.
We had no choice really. It had to go in for a service - it doesn’t have the ‘Serene Reaction to Public Derision’ programme installed and the audio programme has been stuck on 'Cut, cut, cut; Fight, fight, fight' mode all week.
We mustn't have erased the 'Son of Chucky' game we installed last year properly.
Fuck it. I’d better go. I have to make sure the boys have the remote control Emergency Over-ride enabled. I’m not sure if the Mark ll has the ‘Declare War On Syria If Behind In The Polls’ programme installed or not.

The Hedgehog.

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