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Monday, 26 August 2013

The Krud Diaries: Day 13

Dear Mysel … Diary,
                                  It has been a difficult day, diary, what with saving the world from a Syrian crisis poised to engulf the globe.
Thank the lord – who in his wisdom I know would approve of a conscience vote on gay marriage – that I’m here to step in.
After all, are not righteous goats as able to pass a needle through the eye of The Abbott as the sheep?
I cannot spend much time with you tonight, diary. I am under intense pressure. The situation is so fluid, attitudes change from moment to moment.
Why, in just the last 30 minutes, I have had to adopt 60 different positions at my desk as my flying monkey press functionaries took my photograph.
I had to adopt pensive poses, concerned poses, worried poses, decisive poses, weight-of-the-world-on-my-shoulders poses and consultative poses.
‘Consultative poses’, I hear you ask, diary?
I know. But apparently I must maintain the façade of collegiate esprit de corp. It costs me nothing to pander to the over-inflated egos of my acolytes – I control the PR department!
I’m tired of saving the world, even though I know that the Syrian crisis threatens to engulf its immediate neighbours in mainland Europe.
You know what? The last thing I want is to be at the centre-of-things again. Lets just cut to the chase here: I’m just a humble boy from Brizzie doing my bit in any way I can. I’d honestly like nothing more than to stay in the background, out of the limelight and let others take the credit.
Humble, diary, is my middle name.
Anyway, I have supreme faith, diary, that once the lesser world leaders realise the power of The Krud, they will let me implement my solution.
Speaking of world leaders, diary, I have a collection of some of the fan mail I have received these past 24 hours.
I swear to you on my own grave, diary, that they are genuinely what these people would write.
Would you like to hear some of them?

My Man,
               Ho shit, am I glad you are on the job. This Syria shit has been heavy heavy, bro. I blew six free throws and my Secret Service dude had to shoot himself in the leg to make sure I creamed his ass on the hoops today.
Hey, I’m real sorry about the kid that was shot by those little dudes of indeterminate racial origin.
You know, if I had adopted a white Australian kid 20 something years ago, he would have looked just like that poor kid,
Strength, brother,
Signed: Barry.

Most Venerable Kevin,
                                      I am keeping the seat warm for you, as ordered. Prease hully. Your fliend in obfuscation
Signed: BKM.

Dearest Kevin,
                        It is only now, when I watch your masterly handling of a world crisis, that I realise how selfish I was to rob the world of your leadership for those three years.
I would have been a dismal failure in handling this situation. Possibly even more dismal than I was at the job which was rightfully yours, but that I stole in a selfish act of evil betrayal.
Yours, in abject remorse and most humble subservience,
Signed: J.

Mr Kevin,
                I say to you that you are the rising of the sun that will blind me. I say also: turn your eyes to my country for surely will I fall to my knees in praise of your great wisdom. My troops are trembling the fear at the prospect of facing you outside the wire.
To know Kevin is to know the wisdom of Allah.
Signed: Basher.

To Mr Krud,
                    Please find enclosed a petition, signed by the representatives of 16 million Australians, none of whom can sleep at night in worry of the great conflagration that will surely engulf the world if you do not intervene and crush the Zionists.
Signed: Al Qaeda Neighbourhood Watch – Islamist Fundamentalist Chapter.
PS: Send big guns.
PPS: We have no weapons of mass destruction – but would like some.

        Maaate! U r the bestest Kev. Kick the shit out of them Sillian mothers.
If you need any help, me, my mates and the Bundy Bear will give it heaps. Labor Rocks!
Signed: Anenymouse from Brizzie.

Dear Dreamboat,
                            Some women have a problem with strong men, but I don’t. I want to have your babies. I think you look like Brad Pitt.
Signed: N. Admirer’.

For I can’t help
Falling in love with, you
Signed: The King
PS: Thank you very much.

Mr Kevin,
                If you can save the entire world from the Syrian crisis, we will forgive you for calling us Ratfuckers. We have added a little something extra with the latest shipment of money – though the interest rate will remain the same. We are thinking over your offer of Tasmania in exchange for more free money. Preliminary designs for turning it into a 3,600-hole private golf resort for Party elite look promising. We’ll get back to you.
Signed: All the Boys in Beijing.

      I knew I was right to change sides again and help stab ve one who I helped stab you.
I shudder to fink what would be happening now wivvout you in charge.
Fanks again for letting me be a turncoat. Again.

Signed: Billy The Rat

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