Dear Mysel
… Diary,
It has been a
difficult day, diary, what with saving the world from a Syrian crisis poised to
engulf the globe.
Thank the
lord – who in his wisdom I know would approve of a conscience vote on gay
marriage – that I’m here to step in.
After all,
are not righteous goats as able to pass a needle through the eye of The
Abbott as the sheep?
I cannot
spend much time with you tonight, diary. I am under intense pressure. The
situation is so fluid, attitudes change from moment to moment.
Why, in
just the last 30 minutes, I have had to adopt 60 different positions at my desk
as my flying monkey press functionaries took my photograph.
I had to
adopt pensive poses, concerned poses, worried poses, decisive poses, weight-of-the-world-on-my-shoulders
poses and consultative poses.
‘Consultative
poses’, I hear you ask, diary?
I know. But
apparently I must maintain the façade of collegiate esprit de corp. It costs me
nothing to pander to the over-inflated egos of my acolytes – I control the PR
department!
I’m tired
of saving the world, even though I know that the Syrian crisis threatens to
engulf its immediate neighbours in mainland Europe .
You know
what? The last thing I want is to be at the centre-of-things again. Lets just cut to the chase here: I’m
just a humble boy from Brizzie doing my bit in any way I can. I’d honestly like
nothing more than to stay in the background, out of the limelight and let
others take the credit.
Humble,
diary, is my middle name.
Anyway, I have
supreme faith, diary, that once the lesser world leaders realise the power of The
Krud, they will let me implement my solution.
Speaking of
world leaders, diary, I have a collection of some of the fan mail I have
received these past 24 hours.
I swear to
you on my own grave, diary, that they are genuinely what these
people would write.
Would you
like to hear some of them?
My Man,
Ho shit, am I glad you are on
the job. This Syria
Hey, I’m
real sorry about the kid that was shot by those little dudes of indeterminate
racial origin.
You know,
if I had adopted a white Australian kid 20 something years ago, he would have
looked just like that poor kid,
Strength,
brother,
Signed: Barry.
Most Venerable Kevin,
I am
keeping the seat warm for you, as ordered. Prease hully. Your fliend in
obfuscation
Signed: BKM.
Dearest
Kevin,
It is only now, when I
watch your masterly handling of a world crisis, that I realise how selfish I
was to rob the world of your leadership for those three years.
I would
have been a dismal failure in handling this situation. Possibly even more
dismal than I was at the job which was rightfully yours, but that I stole in a
selfish act of evil betrayal.
Yours, in
abject remorse and most humble subservience,
Signed: J.
Mr Kevin,
I say to you that you are the rising of
the sun that will blind me. I say also: turn your eyes to my country for surely
will I fall to my knees in praise of your great wisdom. My troops are trembling
the fear at the prospect of facing you outside the wire.
To know Kevin is to know the wisdom
of Allah.
Signed: Basher.
To Mr Krud,
Please find enclosed a
petition, signed by the representatives of 16 million Australians, none of whom
can sleep at night in worry of the great conflagration that will surely engulf
the world if you do not intervene and crush the Zionists.
Signed: Al
Qaeda Neighbourhood Watch – Islamist Fundamentalist Chapter.
PS: Send
big guns.
PPS: We
have no weapons of mass destruction – but would like some.
Kev,
Maaate! U r the bestest Kev.
Kick the shit out of them Sillian mothers.
If you need any help, me, my mates
and the Bundy Bear will give it heaps. Labor Rocks!
Signed: Anenymouse from Brizzie.
Dear Dreamboat,
Some women have a problem with strong
men, but I don’t. I want to have your babies. I think you look like Brad Pitt.
Signed: N.
Admirer’.
Kev,
For I can’t help
Falling in love with, you
Signed: The King
PS: Thank you very much.
Mr Kevin,
If you can save the entire
world from the Syrian crisis, we will forgive you for calling us Ratfuckers. We
have added a little something extra with the latest shipment of money – though
the interest rate will remain the same. We are thinking over your offer of Tasmania
Signed: All
the Boys in Beijing
Sir,
I knew I was right to change sides again and help stab ve one who I
helped stab you.
I shudder to fink what would be
happening now wivvout you in charge.
Fanks again for letting me be a
turncoat. Again.
Signed: Billy The Rat
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