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Tuesday, 20 August 2013

The Krud Diaries: Day 19

Dear Diary,
                   Day 19 of die kampagne has drawn to its inevitable close and I am more convinced than ever that I have The Abbott right where I want him.
Kevin was not himse … I was not quite myself yesterday, diary.
Why is that? The voices in my head hear you ask.
Do you know something? That is just the sort of question that a naysayer would pose, when said naysayer is not in full possession of the facts.
Unlike your good self, diary, Kevin deals … I deal in facts. It is simply what I do. Firstly, you get together a whole bunch of people; secondly, you send out your bunch of people to talk to folks who have input into what you are doing; thirdly, you feed what those folks have said into the big computer we call The Cabinet; fourthly you add all of the associated data collated by another bunch of people in, say, the treasury; and fifthly, you make a decision.
Cold. Hard. Facts. Evidence. Based. Decision. Making.
That’s all there is to it, diary.
The … cold ... hard … evidence … based … fact, diary, is that I was over-whelmed by nervous tension yesterday.
I always get that way before the launch of a major offensive.
Not because I doubt myself, diary, but because I doubt my field commanders. History show us that brilliant leaders fail not because of themselves, but because their subordinates lack the will to see the job through, or lack the ability to see the Big Picture.
That is why I invested so much time and energy in talking to the troops in the field yesterday. Only I can instil in them the will to win!
Still, it is a good plan. I have set in motion an assault historians will speak of for 1000 years.
The preliminary barrage commenced two days ago on three broad fronts codenamed Seven, Nine and Ten.
I myself will lead the frontal assault from the rear in my mobile command aircraft. The rest of my dispositions are as thus:

- Deputy reisch fuhrer Albo will lead the assault in Sydney. His personally recruited force of Thai irregulars, incorporated into die SS Rub und Tug Division, will drive from the east, while von Bowen und Husic will attempt to break out from the West and drive south.
- I have abandoned the north-coast and the Hunter Valley.
Von Combet has left his post and fled to France. Von Thomson has been expelled from The Party. I have nobody left but the old and the mentally deficient. I know they will do their duty.
- On my south-eastern flank, von Shorten and his Kalte Pie Abteilung have been ordered to stand their ground. Von Cheeseman is surrounded and, I fear, cannot be extricated. I have ordered von Shorten to tighten his perimeter and attempt a breakout when support is available.
Von Cheeseman I have ordered to make Corangomite a Festung Krud. I have faith that he will die at his post.
- Wong’s Panzy Grenadiers are tasked with a two-pronged drive on Melbourne and Inner Sydney, co-ordinating with DRF Albo in Sydney and von Shorten. They will be supported by Plibersek’s 2nd ‘Das Handbag’ Division and Macklinberg breaking out from the south with her 14th ‘Gillard’s Frau’ Division.
- I have allowed myself to be talked into leaving command of my Queensland Parachute Divisions in the hand of von Beattie. It is against my better judgement. 
I feel in my very bones that von Beattie has an eye for the main chance and will tire of playing second fiddle to the conductor when our drive on Canberra proves successful.
We shall see, diary. Swanstein and von Perrett have already proven themselves traitors; Emersondorf is clearly pussy schlagsahne. I have little choice, but I shall watch Herr Beattie closely.          
- To add to my worries about my north-eastern flank, I suspect, diary, that the forces under the command of my good friend and ally Benito Katterlini, do not share his commitment. There is little I can do now, other than put Skorzeny on stand by.
To boost his confidence Katterlini must be given a task. He is to roll up Palmer’s rag-tag band of partisans.
- I have given command of the Krudler Jugend ‘Social Media’ Division to my American allies. Their performance in leading die Obama chicken-shit outfit to victory was nothing short of miraculous. I expect big things.
- I have left command of our Northern U-Turn fleet in the hands of Admiral Bradbury, but I have little faith in him, so have placed him under Admiral Burke-haulter’s overall command.
Burke-haulter is to co-ordinate a diversionary surface assault on PNG.
- With my puppet regimes in Lyne and New England overrun, I must tighten my supply lines. Accordingly, I have decided to abandon my overseas possession of Taswegia. It is a blow, but my forces there are already disintegrating. Sources tell me that von Lyon has already thrown away his uniform and is hoping to impersonate a civilian. Worse, I suspect that "Vee Villy" Vilkie's Vichy regime in the south will prove turncoat. Adams may survive, if he can leave the dining table for long enough to fight.
- What Der Abbott does not know is that I have at my disposal a fifth column, originally recruited by Carrnaris. Two entire divisions of saboteurs are in place.
Die Australian Broadcasting Corporation und Fairfax Divisionen are charged with wrecking communication behind enemy lines.
I fully expect die KK ABC Insiders Spezialeinheiten, under the command of von Marrstein, to wreak havoc in my enemy’s rear.
Casselring has titular command, but he is a mere figurehead. While Lord Haw Haw, second Earl of Snowcone will be the public face of my propaganda arm, I am convinced that, should an opening present itself, von Marrstein will lead the thrust into my enemy’s soft underbelly.
- In my Krudwaffe only do I have true faith. The Hawker Britton is a truly wunderbar machine. I am convinced that its mastery of The Abbott’s primary air weapon, the Loughnane Insipid, will lead us to final victory.
- I have abandoned the far and Middle West. Gray will do his duty, as will Ellis. They have received my order: every town and city must become a Festung Krud. They have been sacrificed for the greater glory. Nothing must distract from my drive on Canberra.

Well, diary. That is it. It is a good plan and one which I believe will succeed – as long as my subordinates believe in it, and ME.

Notes to self: Appoint minion to find architect worthy of KrudFuhrer complex; commence re-design of Canberra; continue reading The Power of Positive Thinking.


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