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Wednesday, 21 August 2013

The Krud Diaries: Day 18

Dear Diary,
                   I don’t have much time to talk to you tonight.
I am busy swotting for my debate with The Abbott tomorrow night.
I did little today, being mindful of the need to marshal my intellectual forces.
I restricted myself to reinforcing my standing among the Krudler Jugend of our glorious country.
Today I saw the future of our country: its doctors, its nurses, its sports stars and its greatest ever PE teacher. They have been anointed – they will follow.
But, diary, I digress. Tomorrow night must be my focus. Finally, finally I shall have the opportunity to come to grips with my opponent.
I have spent my time today wisely, meine Liebe, constructing my parries to ward off The Abbott’s thrusts.
Naturally, I refused to debate him on his ground – who knows what the little people may get into their silly heads to ask?
However, Ron (formerly known as Bruce) has assured me that the bus carrying my 100 faithful adherents who have followed me everywhere for the past two weeks is already winging its way to the Leagues Club. They have been issued with the appropriate passes and paperwork.
I shall play a little game with you diary. You shall be an ‘undecided’ voter and ask me questions. I shall be Kevin From Queensland, Who Is Here To Help, and answer them.

Diary: You say this election is about the economy, yet your Government has never delivered a surplus. Why should I trust you to manage the economy better?

KFQWIHTH: Well, you know something? That is a very good question, which I can answer in four parts.
Firstly: you may have heard about a little thing called the GFC. You may have missed it, but it was a little thing when a bunch of guys in shiny suits almost bought the world’s economies to ruin.
My Government made the decisive, um, decisions, to protect our economy. We moved quickly, because we had to, because if we hadn’t – boy oh boy – this whole place would have been a mess, and one million jobs and a $70b black hole.
Secondly: If we hadn’t ACTED when the GFC threatened to knock our economy for six, our economy would have been knocked into touch. And let me tell you something: when your economy, the thing that drives stuff like, jobs, the thing that keeps bakers baking, nurses nursing, nuclear physicists, er physicisting, is under threat you can’t afford to just SIT around and give the other guy a free kick. You move and you move quickly, which is what we did and two million jobs and a $70b dollar black hole.
Thirdly: When your economy looks like being WHACKED over the fence – and “g’day” to our Australian cricketers getting ready to do battle with the Brits over there. Knock ‘em for six guys – you have to make decisive decisions and put money out there. We’ll return the budget to surplus over the economic cycle. GFC and three million jobs and a $70b black hole.
Fourthly: Our NBN is going to transform our economy. We are building the JOBS … FOR … THE … 21ST  … CENTURY. Unlike my opponent, who I assume is standing over there somewhere because I refuse to look at him, we won’t cut, cut, cut to the bone. Unlike my opponent, my government doesn’t believe in three word slogans, but I can tell you this folks, he will CUT, CUT, CUT … and, er, cut some more and four million jobs and a $70b black hole.

Diary: You said that your PNG ‘solution’ would stop the boats, but since you announced it, nearly 3000 boat people have arrived. Why should I believe your solution will work?

KFQWIHTH: That is a very nice shirt. You know, Therese always picks my shirts and I’d be a pretty happy camper if she had picked that shirt for me tonight. I wish I was wearing it. I really do.
But to the substance of your question, can I just say this?
Push factors are always going to play a role in people wanting to come here, but do you know what? Push factors aren’t everything.
Yeah, sure mate, fear of persecution has a role in helping people ply this vile trade. Can I say something else? These people smugglers are scum filth. The lowest of the low.
But, let me tell you: if I was living in Iran or Afghanistan or Sri Lanka, eking out a living in the fields, and I heard about Australia’s NBN, I’d be over here like a shot!
The NBN is already transforming our economy. Right now, as I speak, surgeons – you know, guys in face masks and stuff – are performing open heart surgery on people on the other side of this great country of ours, a country of which I have the privilege of being Prime Minister.
We also have a AAA credit rating, something never achieved before. Our debt is the second lowest among countries that enjoy a median maximum temperature of 21 degrees on the third Sundays in November. Without our response to the GFC, that wouldn’t have happened. My opponent has a $70b black hole and will cut, cut, cut to the bone.

Diary: When you were elected you said that your Government would take over hospitals, establish FuelWatch and GroceryWatch, turn back boats, work with business, establish an ETS, make evidence-based decisions, stop the reckless spending, reform Federal-State relations, not touch Superannuation or the Private Health Rebate and increase Defence spending. You haven’t done any of that. Why should we vote for you again?

KFQWIHTH: Aw, strike me pink. You’re a Liberal Party stooge aren’t you?
David, this wasn’t part of our agreement. 
Where’s Bruce?
What the fuck is going on here? Who the fuck let him in?
How many more of these pricks are in here? Bruce, you said you had it organised. Do I have to fucking do everything myself?
Nah. Fuck it. I’m leaving. Not putting up with this shit …
Diary: I think maybe you need to work on your delivery, Kevin.

KFGWIHTH: What? What’s that? Fuck you too. Ratfucker. 

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