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Monday, 2 September 2013

Krud Kar Komes of Age

By: Page-Filler Writers and Press Release Copy-and-Pasters

Canberra, Saturday: While the polls indicate that most Australians have already made up their minds before next Saturday’s election, one select group is still mired in indecision – thanks to the polls.

This newspaper has learned that an Australian car manufacturer is planning to launch a commemorative ‘Krud’ model onto the market next year, but doubt about the election result has thrown development into confusion.

It is understood that the ‘Krud’ series has been in development for some years and the un-named company was ready to commit to production, but the surprisingly poor campaign performance of Mr Krud has caused a re-think.

A spokesman – who wished to remain anonymous – for the un-named company, said that the company wanted to launch the new model as a way of saying ‘thankyou’ for all of the “free money that Krud has thrown at the industry over the years”.

“Naturally, we thought that anybody smart enough to borrow billions of dollars in Chinese money to throw at businesses that made billions of dollars profit in their home country, yet could still dupe the electorate into believing it was necessary, must be smart enough to win an election,” the spokesman said.

“Unfortunately, Mr Krud’s performance thus far has led us to re-assess our options.”

The spokesman was quick to point out that the company’s re-think was more a case of re-assessing badging and options, rather than whether the model would proceed.

“The Krud will definitely go into production. It is just a matter of waiting to see which way the election goes,” he said.

“We are a big company. We never put the house on red or black. We keep our options open, which basically means that we are covering our bases where.

“It is fair to say that we have put the bulk of our resources into the team working on the model favoured in the event of a Krud win, but given the campaign performance so far, we have switched funding to our alternative ‘loser’ model design team.”

It is understood that the decision to build the Krud model was taken in 2008 and development work has been on-going, despite the Krud’s change in fortunes over the years.

The spokesman denied rumours that the Government had insisted on the development of a Krud in return for the free money.

“Not at all,” he said. “It was never a requirement. It was purely a commercial decision in the sense that it isn’t costing us anything. Every unit we sell is pure profit.”

Though details are sketchy, this newspaper understands that the Krud will be an SUV after early plans for a one-seater sedan were quickly abandoned.

The Krud was initially scheduled to be launched in 2009 when his popularity was at its height. The company had even narrowed down a choice of name to three options: the Krud Kronic, Krud Kaptivate or Krud Karnival.

His surprise fall from grace forced the company to abandon those options and put the Krud on hold. When it became apparent, however, that Krud was prepared to go to any lengths to retrieve his position, the project was revived to the point that the ‘Krud Revenge’, ‘Krud Vengeance’ and ‘Krud Destabilizer’ were serious options being considered, but ultimately discarded.

As the company spokesman explained, it wasn’t worth spending free money on marketing those options because it was always clear that Krud would be back.

“We flirted with the idea of a Gillard, but we knew it would never fly, basically because, one, the design problems were proving tough to crack, and durability was a constant issue”, he said,

“We had focus-tested names - the ‘Gillard Droner’, Carbonier and Inept made the shortlist – and had finished a lot of the pre-production work, but it was put on ice when Krud challenged.”

“When Krud said he would never lead again we took that at face value, so we instigated work to tackle the rear-end weight drag issues on the Gillard, but then Krud came back, so we made the decision to abandon the Gillard entirely.”

Though the spokesman refused to be drawn, it is understood that after Krud’s return, production plans were fast-tracked with a choice of model name narrowed down to the Krud Konqueror, Konfront or Ker-ching.
Those options have since been abandoned in light of Krud’s election campaign performance. Names now being considered include the Krud Krapster, Krud Kringe, Krud Implode, Krud Backfire and Krud Plummet.

(The ‘Krudsel’ was considered, but discarded.)

Regardless of the final model name, sources confirmed that the Krud will come equipped with Auto Gridlock Drive (AGD), Hands Free Steering (HFS), Auto Dysfunction Hi-Tech De-stabilizers (ADHD), Rear Bumper air-bags, Selfie Camera and a premium VerBose Sound System.

The company is yet to decide whether to include the Hawker Britton Bulldust Actuator System as standard or an optional extra.

It will seat one in comfort, but still be roomy enough for five apparatchiks or seven minions, depending on configuration.    

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