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Tuesday, 3 September 2013

The Krud Diaries: Day 5

Dear Diary,
                   The Bible, my little journal of record, is a book.
It is the ability to grasp such self-evident truths that sets me apart from other folk, raises me UP and gives notice to the good burghers of Australia that they aren’t dealing with just anyone here.
The message, diary, is that I … Am … Not … Your … Ordinary … Common … Or … Garden … Variety … Politician.
I … Diary – and I’ve said this to all of the folks out there … Am … A … Fighter!
I … Will … Fight … Fight … Fight … To … Stop … The Abbott's … Secret … Cuts … Cuts … Cuts to schools and hospitals and school kids’ hats – and $70 billion black hole.
And why did I mention the Bible, meine liebe? Well, do you know something? Let me just say this, if I may, in response to that query: I mentioned it because it, in its turn, was mentioned to me during my truly bravura performance on the KBC Q&A programme tonight.
Somehow, an interloper made it through my minions’ screening process and infiltrated the audience of good burghers of Brizzie – and $70 billion black hole and Campbell Abbott..
He claimed to be a pastor of some description. I kid you not, diary, but the fool dared challenge me on gay marriage and Christian values! I eviscerated him, of course, with a display of forensic knowledge of biblical references to Confederate troop movements during the slavery wars against St Paul of the Union.
The fool clearly didn’t realise that there is nothing that I, having been raised a Pentecostal Catholic before embracing the Baptist Anglican church, can be taught about Christian values.
This not only goes to my innate intelligence, but to the use I put my extensive travel schedule in the service of the little people. Let’s be frank here, diary: folks might think it’s a lot of fun travelling around the world solving crises, but do you know something? It can be boring as all hell - $70 billion black hole Tony Newman.
Consider this: with my unsurpassed grasp of international relations, I have usually solved the world’s ills before I finish my morning poo selfie and I generally make up my brilliant policy announcements between main course and dessert on the flight, so what is there left for me to do on all those boring nights in those luxury hotel rooms?
Well, diary, there is this bloke called Gideon – I don’t know his second name – who just goes around putting Bibles in hotel rooms and one day I started reading one and I sort of just kept on reading - $70 billion black hole Newman Abbott.
I have already instructed my minions to track down this Gideon bloke and offer him a job in my propagand … media relations unit.
So, my diary, that is the story of Kevin, the Bible and how gay people were Confederate slaves during the American civil war - $70 billion dollar black hole, cut, cut, cut, Abbott Campbell.
I have to say, diary, that I’m pretty certain, jobs, jobs, jobs, costings, fraud, black hole – I can safely say that I have secured the gay vote in this country – of which I am Prime Minister.
Why,the other day I was out and about in South Oz talking to the good folk there, when a disabled, gay Syrian refugee car worker with learning difficulties and a degree in International Relations said to me: “Kev, I want you to be the come-from-behind kid for Australia on September 7”.
I looked him in the eye and said: “Mate, you’ve got a date, and let me tell you something: I’ve been in tighter spots before and pulled it off!”
In the lead up to Q&A, I spent my day travelling from union meeting to union meeting, yarning to the folk out there about just … how … dangerous … a vote … for … Campbell … Abbott would be - $70 billion. School kids’ hats.
They love me, you know. The little people, I mean. They can’t help themselves, really – I use an old oratorical trick to mesmerise them.
It is a form of hypnosis that I was taught by an Aboriginal bloke I met when I was 10 years-old. I was working as a stockman, trying to earn enough to put my mum through primary school.
It was memories of those times that came to mind when Newman Abbott dropped the most incredible gift in my lap today. The fool described a civil war between a chemical-loving Syrian regime and an opposition thoroughly infiltrated by an Al Qaeda sworn to destroy the West as “baddies versus baddies”!
I pointed out that I hadn’t used those terms since playing cowboys and indians in the backyard. Of course, that was a little lie; our backyard was any scrap of land around the car we lived in.
Truth be told, my 15 brothers and sisters lived in the car. I actually lived in ‘ole in t’ road. I used to get up in the mornin’, ‘alf ‘our afore I went t’ bed, do 26-hour day down t’ sugar mill to pay for mother’s pancreas transplant and ‘ave nowt t’ eat, but bag of gravel.
Even then, diary, I knew I was destined for public service. Each evening after feeding my seven brothers and sisters, I’d lick road clean wi’ tongue.
 It was a hard life, diary, but I was happy and why was I happy? I’m glad you asked that, diary. I was happy because I always knew that I was smarter than everybody else.
As for Tony ‘$70b, cut … cut … cut … black hole’ Newman, I shudder to think what those Chinese Ratfuckers will make of his intemperate language.

Notes to self: Sack minion for allowing that pastor character to sneak into MY audience; once elected, erect statue of Mrs Krud in recognition of her patronage of the visually impaired fashion designers of Australia.

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