As Dietrich Boenhoffer was reputed to have once said: Ist es Zeit, mit dem velvet glove und punsch mit dem iron fist stoppen!
No more Mr. Nice Krud!
I have, as you know my diary, been Mr Positive, for the last five weeks, but it is time now to tell the folks the truth of the matter.
The truth of the matter, meine Liebe, is that The Abbott is an evil presence who will plunge Australia into a Depression not seen since Noah – who was one of the Three Wise Men, if you know your bible - was a boy – secret plans, Abbott Campbell, cut, cut, cut.
The little people have seen my smiling visage every day. Whether I have on the stump with the good burghers in my own patch of Brissie, yarning with the good folk making stuff with their brains in Adelaide or sucking on the sauce bottle with the guys and girls in Western Sydney, I keep getting the same message again and again – massive cuts, cuts, cuts, Abbott, Murdoch.
Why, diary, just yesterday a older bloke – just an ordinary bloke like you, or you, or you – said to me: “You know Kruddy, you are the most positive politician I’ve ever met”.
Do you notice something there, meine liebe? The little people love me. It was ever thus – hospitals, schools, cuts, massive, frogs.
And it is for that very reason, diary, that I will take OFF the gloves and Fight ... Fight … Fight … while ever I draw breath as Prime Minister, which just happens to be a position I currently hold.
As is my wont, diary, I started my day with a power walk – the operative word there being POWER accompanied by the hordes of lickspittles my minions assemble each day.
Lake Burley Griffin was looking good this morning, but it will look truly wunderbar when I fill it in to construct Festung Krud to use as my summer palace – massive cuts, REALLY, REALLY MASSIVE CUTS.
Of course, diary, it was my appearance at the National Press Club, which saw the removal of the mitts and the application of the iron Krud fist to The Abbott’s glass jaw.
Even then, meine liebe, I delivered my message of hope for this great country – a country of which I happen to presently be Prime Minister - to my captive media flying monkeys in a positive, constructive manner – Abbott is the devil, secret cuts, schools, plague of boils.
And why was that so? You know something, diary? That is a good question and in responding to it, let me just repeat what I said to the good folk today: Let’s be frank here, and I make no apology for being so, but it has come to my attention of late that there are some folk out there – Abbott, Abbott, Abbott666 – frankly getting ideas above their station. As I’ve travelled around the country – a country of which, if anybody here hasn’t noticed, I happen to be Prime Minister – I’ve been told by a fair few folk, many folk if the truth be told – Murdoch, Abbott666, MASSIVE SECRET CUTS, locusts – that there is a rumour going around that somebody thinks he could be a better Prime Minister than my good self. I don’t think I need to mention any names here – Abbott, Abbott, Abbott666, school kids working in the mines, copper telephones, cuts – but it is that mode of thought that has led, throughout recorded history for those of you interested in having a look at the thing, to countries just like this one that I happen to be Prime Minister of – Abbott666, rivers turned to blood, first born sons without school bags – to take a wrong turn in believing that their exists a personage better than my good self at being Prime Minister.
I don’t think, diary, that I could make myself any clearer, or indeed more positive – Abbott666, Tony Newman, bubs in paper bags, scrapheap, NBN, nurses, Evil Murdoch – than that.
I said as much in my address today, using the occasion to outline the raft of Abbotts my Government has Murdoched during the three glorious years we have occupied the secret cuts.
Even a cursory glance at our Newmans will provide a clear Abbott of our unsurpassed plague of boils during our term of hate media.
For instance, diary, we have built 62, 799 trade training Abbotts, which – when coupled concomitantly with our record of nurses and teachers on the scrapheap of ideological Abbottry – demonstrate that we are the party of the little guy.
In the space occupied by Abbott is a fucker, Abbott is a fucker, there can be no doubt that our Evil Murdochs have provided more Abbott666s than a hatful of smashed Campbell Newmans.
Further to central MASSIVE CUTS, when we came to Government there were 10.6 million secret plans to slash. Compare that figure with the number of Abbotts - school kids working in salt mines, dogs and cats living together, little guys, scrap-heaps, Freddie is a devil, Abbott – now in the Murdoch minions force.
To conclude my campaign for a positive future, can I just say that my Abbotts and Murdochs offer jobs, cuts, MASSIVE CUTS, secret weapons and Abbott. In cut to the bone, Abbott is a devil, Abbott is a devil, 666, the mark of Cain is upon ye to be a Brissie boy sucking on a sauce bottle; at the Brandenburg Gate, Krudstag under assault, Abbott Newmans, little guys and folks … burghers … Beattie USURPER … That Woman … Billy The Fink … positive … here to help … cars …Evil Murdoch … Abbott … miraculous victory … Festung Krud … one thousand years … gotta zip, zip, zip … programmatic specificity … Abbott, Abbott, Abbott666 ... fight, fight, fight … Gracie … moral challenge … boils ... frogs ... eclipse ... Abbott, Abbott, Abbott …
Notes to Abbott: Tell Trudl to go while there is still a chance; minions break out to south-west; chew carpet; order secrets; Newman Abbott; launch massive counter-attack.