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Friday, 6 September 2013

The Krud Diaries: End of Days

Dear Diary,
                   Well, meine liebe, you are my only remaining friend. I have done what I could, but even genius can be overcome if all it has to work with are minions of mediocrity.
They have all abandoned me now and all is quiet in the Krudbunker. Even the faithful lackey The Hedgehog has engineered his escape.
As my alter-ego Deitrich Boenhoffer was once heard to opine: Fuck ‘em. The ungrateful shits are unworthy of me – may their bratwurst be uncured and their beer be flat!
I have done all I can, meine liebe, but I have been betrayed by mediocrities, Murdoch and moronic minions.
They have abandoned me in their droves. Cowards. Pocken auf ihre Fraktion Union versteckt!!
They are drinking. Partying as if to somehow drown out their failure. If only they had truly believed in The Krud, they would be toasting my Greatest Victory!
News from the East is difficult to get. Von Carr has done what I suspected – turned his coat at the last.
He was a poor choice to lead my forces at St Petersburg, but what could I do, diary?
They are milling around like dumm ficken cattle desperate for leadership, but my minions insisted I remain here. If only I had gone to the G-20, I feel sure I could have rescued the situation, but for what, diary? 
To be abandoned when things look bleak! Where are they now? Von Plibersek? Gone. Villi von Fink? Gone. Bowendorf? Still here, but incompetent. Von Wong’s Panzy Grenadiers? Scuttling away like rats. They will look to squabble over the Party when I am gone, yet none are worthy of replacing me.
The only one who has remained true to Der Krud is my faithful lickspittle deputy Albo. He, at least, remains. I have rewarded him by ensuring my dentist has visited and made the necessary arrangements. Yes, meine liebe, DRF Albo will go to his doom without green teeth. Thus is it, that I reward loyalty.
I am still in touch with my political scientists. There is still yet hope that their secret weapons will reverse the situation and deliver a stunning victory. I will remain here till the last.
If I should fall, diary, then let my Party fall into ruin, for without me there can be no Party. It has proved itself unworthy. Better that it be destroyed utterly for a Party without Krud is akin to a Party without Passion Pop.
Albo, I have sent away. He is pleased with his new teeth – I shall allow him to admire them before the time comes. My only companion now is Teddy. Faithful always is my Teddy. But, diary, I shall not make him my heir. Teddy shall perish with me, as a faithful lackey should.
Not like The Hedgehog! The turncoat! He came to me last night and requested a transfer to von Weathervane’s staff on the south-eastern front.
He tried to gull me with tales of how von Weathervane could hold out and fight on from his Adelaide redoubt. He is a coward is The Hedgehog. Such is the calibre of those who sought to earn my trust! What worth is there in keeping such minions as he? None. I let him go.
I shall put off the final moment until the barbarians are at my very door. A miracle may yet eventuate, though I have little hope. I shall leave you with a little ein kleines lied, meine leibe.
I say to you, faithful diary: Ich bin Kevin, vater von Krudland!!! ‘Krudland, Krudland, uber Abbott … “

"And now, the end is here 
And so I face the final curtain 
My friends, now let’s be clear 
I'll state my case, I’m Kev from Brisbane 
I've lived a life that's full 
of lies each and ev’ry day 
And more, much more than this, I did her my way 

Regrets, they’ve had a few 
But then again, I’ve had my henchman 
I did what I had to do and rat-fucked them without exemption 
I planned each media leak, each careful leak to my friend Laurie 
And more, much more than this, I did her my way 

Yes, there were times, I'm sure you knew 
When That Woman made me spew 
But through it all, I had no doubt 
I’d eat her up and spit her out 
I fucked them all and I stood tall and did them my way 

I've hated! Laughed while they cried 
I've had my fill, of this bunch of losers 
And now, as their tears subside, I find it all so amusing 
To think, I did them all 
And may I say, not in a shy way, 
"Oh, no, oh, no, not me, I did them my way" 

For what is a Krud, what has he got? 
As for myself, I’ve got the lot

I’ve said things I’d never feel and before me they did all kneel 
The record shows I made them blow and did them my way! 

Yes, I did them my way"

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